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This is a thread for everyone to post jokes. I'm gonna be loosly moderating this thread, so if you have any dirty jokes, you can share them as well as long as they are not of an extreme sexual nature.
[ul][*]Jokesyou get in e-mails.[*]Jokes you've heard.[*]Old jokes that everyone has heard.[*]Funny pictures.[*]Funny sayings.[*]Funny e-mails.[*]Funny stories.[*]Links to funny videos.[/ul]
Anyone wanna start?
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1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work
boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with several empty beer cans, a
copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and several NRA magazines.
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:
Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim,
I went to the gun shop for more ammunition. Back in an hour.
Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning
and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was
hard to tell from all the blood.
PS - I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.
A calvery sargent was captured by the indians. The chief said, " I'll give you one last request before we burn you at the stake." The sargent said, " I'd like to speak to my horse". His wish granted, he whispered in the horses ear and the horse ran off. About and hour later, the horse showed up with a red headed saloon girl on his back. The sargent said, "I need to talk to my horse again". He again whipered in the horses ear. The horse ran off again. In about an hour he showed back up with a blonde saloon girl. The sargent said I need to talk to my horse again. He again whipered in the horses ear, and the horse ran off once more. In about an hour the horse showed back up, this time with a brunette saloon gir on his back. The sargent asked the chief if he could speek with his horse one more time. the chief said O.K. The sargent pulled the horses face down in front of him and said.
"Read my lips, get me a P...O...S...S...E...Y
Three male Labradors, 1 chocolate, 1 yellow, and 1 black... were sitting in a waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation. The black Lab turned to the chocolate Lab and said, 'So why are you here?'
The brown Lab replied, 'I'm a pisser. I piss on everything.... the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids.
But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's' bed.' The black Lab said, 'So what is the vet going to do?'
'Gonna cut my nuts off,' came the reply from the chocolate Lab.
'They reckon it'll calm me down.'
The black Lab then turned to the yellow Lab and asked, 'Why are you here?'
The yellow Lab said, 'I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch.'
'So what are they going to do to you?' the black Lab inquired. 'Looks like I'm losing my nuts too'. The dejected yellow Lab said.
The yellow Lab then turned to the black Lab and asked, 'Why are you here?'
'I'm a humper,' the black Lab said. 'I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. 'Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower, and as she was bending down to dry her toes I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away'.
The yellow and chocolate Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, 'So, nuts off for you too, huh?'
The black Lab said.... 'No, I'm here to get my nails clipped'
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money. Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!'
Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'
Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't ! worry, I have a plan, Cheers!'
They downed their drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!'
Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub[/align]
While he was “flying” down the road (10 miles over the limit), a man passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
The cop pulled him over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, “What’s your hurry?”
To which he replied, “I’m late for work.”
“Oh yeah,” said the cop, “What do you do?”
“I’m a rectum stretcher,” he responded.
The cop stammered, “A what?"
"A rectum stretcher?"
"And just what does a rectum stretcher do?”
“Well,” he said, “I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it’s about 6 feet wide.”
“And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?” he asked.
“You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge…”
Traffic Ticket - $95.00
Court Costs - $45.00
The Look on Cop’s Face - PRICELESS
ALL JOKES HERE!!!!!- official joke thread
