2008 Chevy Uplander "incomplete" cargo van. Won't even take a jump so far this morning. Dash isn't lighting up. Doors are locked and only the driver's door has a key lock.

Prior issues are notifications "Service ABS," "Service Stability Sytem..." etc. None of these functions need serviced, but just before I receive the notices I hear a groan from somewhere under the hood. New starter, new positive battery cable, alternator tests OK.