Four Probable Reasons Why Varmints Ate Paul Ryan’s Chevy Suburban
What would drive a family of woodchucks to such extremes? We’ve come up with a few possible reasons.
How much wood would Paul Ryan chuck if Paul Ryan could chuck wood? Well, we can’t answer that question, nor can we definitively state why a family of woodchucks tore into Ryan’s Chevy Suburban, however we do have a few theories.
You see, because the Republican House Speaker has a security detail and hasn’t been allowed to drive for the past three years, he’s been keeping his Chevrolet Suburban at his mother’s house in his hometown of Janesville, Wisconsin. She had been firing up the vehicle every month to keep it in good running order.
However, when she recently returned from her annual winter trip to Florida, it wouldn’t start.
“So I towed it into the dealer,” Ryan recently told the audience at an event hosted by the Economic Club of Washington D.C. and covered by CNN. “They put it up and they realized that a family of woodchucks lived in the underbody of my Suburban.” The varmints had eaten the wiring.
Now, what would drive these rodents to do such a thing? We mulled over a few possible motives:
1. They’re getting even for some of their forest friends–think Bambi and Daffy Duck–which Ryan killed and posed with on his personal Facebook page.
2. The woodchucks aren’t happy about Republican president Donald Trump‘s new tariffs. A worst-case scenario of a 25% tariff on imported vehicle components could result in the price of Chevy’s full-size Silverado truck rising by as much as $3,993-$7,650 (based on an MSRP range of $29,580-$56,670). To his credit, though, Ryan said at the Economic Club event that he disagreed with President Trump’s decisions to impose tariffs on a number of nations.
3. The woodchucks are Democratic spies and got hungry while on detail watching Ryan’s mother.
4. They, like us, love Chevy and could think of no better way to be closer to the vehicle they cherish.
Woodchucks are lowland creatures found through much of the eastern United States, across Canada, and into Alaska, including Ryan’s home state of Wisconsin. For his part, Ryan said he’s switching teams and will be getting a Ford F-150 when he retires from the House at the end of this term, which is another reason why the woodchucks could have been mad at him.
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